Sunday, January 20, 2008

Depression is not a fun place...

I'm sorry to anyone mentioned in this post who may be bothered by their inclusion, you all know I would never intentionally cause you any sort of discomfort...

I have clinical depression yet I can't tell anyone because I have trouble conveying my thoughts into physical words. I'm the type of person who could write a book but I use body gestures to express my thoughts to avoid speaking to people. Even simple things such as nodding my head instead of saying a simple "yes, please". Because of this people see me as cold and rude, things I never wanted to be seen as. I've been called an "emo" by people close to me, which hurts, even though it's not true because I never chose to be this way, certain things happened to me which made me this way. I don't enjoy anything anymore, I rarely smile and laugh even less. I get headaches, backaches and the weight seems to be melting off of my already willowy 6 foot 7 inch frame.

I'm teetotal so I won't look to alcohol to solve my problems. Being teetotal may be the only thing keeping me somewhat sane as it gives me something to live up to. I guess I view personal issues as a yard weed and alcohol as dirt. You can keep covering the weed with dirt but you aren't getting rid of it, you're only feeding it's root system and making it bigger, what happens when the day comes that your body can't haul enough dirt to cover it? Having had a mini breakdown I don't know if I could survive hitting rock bottom so I'd rather not test my luck. Heh, I never claimed to be a philosopher.

I need somewhere to point myself, somewhere to focus my energy into something positive. I recently freed myself (with the help of two amazing people) from a fantasy I was living in. Upon cutting the binds of that fantasy I felt overcome by a strange since of freedom, yet I feel lost. I want one of the people to know that you didn't hurt me, you've never caused me any harm, your friendship is a blessing to me and if you're feeling down over this don't. You're exceptional and I never, ever want you to forget that.

I hear flax seed can help you gain weight and it helps with depression. I'll talk to a doctor first though.

Yea...I feel a little better now.

1 comment:

Dane said...

hang in there playah. WWSHD? (what would scott hall do?)