Saturday, February 23, 2008

Eduardo :(

Eduardo da Silva's broken leg is one of the nastiest things I've ever seen. I'm an Arsenal supporter but I don't think Martin Taylor intended any malice with his tackle. It was stupid, yes, but he's not a dirty player.

I almost threw up when I saw the pictures. It was just, yikes.

I made Jane a banner for her lifecasting page (vote for Jane) tonight. It's different, but I'm different. I used the picture from her blog profile because it's just SO adorable. She'll probably be upset at me for saying this publicly, but I don't think there's a more beautiful woman in the world :), heh, I said I'd cool off with that, but saying anything else would be a lie!

Friday, February 22, 2008

Story Time with Janey

Heh, yea. Jane read a story to her viewers. She read "The Emperor's New Clothes" and even created a slide show to go along with it. I personally thought it was very heartfelt and sincere, those 25 minutes were definitely the highlight of my week. So Jane, thank you, it brought a smile to my face and I'm sure to others. Anytime you want to do it again, I'll be sure to watch you. :)

Thursday, February 21, 2008

Wow, looking for a job sucks

I'm too idealistic to find a job. I'm too idealistic to find anything for that matter. My morals always get in the way. I saw an ad for a production assistant for a local morning show and didn't even bother applying because I was sure I'd be turned down, and thinking that made me depressed again. I've been told by people (ok, a person) I care deeply about that I need to stop beating myself up, and I try...I swear I try but I always end up thinking about how useless I am again. I'm sorry if I constantly let you down by doing this to myself, I really am, you know upsetting you is the last thing I'd ever want to do.

I'm starting to think I'll never find anything. Not only am I strange but I get a lot of stares because of heightism everytime I apply for a job, not only that but I'm underweight and for some reason being skinny (whether or not you want to be) has become a crime. Yay for lesser known forms of discrimination! The heightism one (short people get it too) is actually as bad as racism since like your race, you didn't choose your height.

Wednesday, February 20, 2008

Feeling a little better

I'm still cold, but I'm always cold, comes with the territory of being thin I guess. I don't feel like I need to throw up anymore, the abdomen pains have died down and I'm not "spaghetti legged" anymore (well, not in the figurative sense anyway).

I went with my dad to Shuffletown, Charlotte (yea, I'm a massive map geek) yesterday and took some pictures (ok, he took them) of the dragstrip which is on the docket for redevelopment into either football & soccer fields or starter homes. It was closed awhile ago because neighbors complained about the noise, even though it existed before their houses did. It's a bit like moving across from a bar and being surprised when drunks stumble around outside. Anyway, I may upload the pictures to flickr later if I have a notion to.

Piratedninja (also in Charlotte) said we're getting a lunar eclipse tonight, I'll take a picture if I'm in/not completely lazy.

I now have a JTV channel ("Bobby, Interrupted", aren't I clever?!) which I won't use while I live her as privacy is at a premium.

I watched Jane's lifecast today, big shock I'm sure. She just never ceases to amaze me. She's so smart, so beautiful, so kind...heh, I'm doing it again. Janey, you're perfect, deal with it :P In honor of you I shall tag the hell out of this post.

Anyway, I'm going to see Vantage Point tonight since my dad got preview tickets. I'm not really a huge movie fan, but it's free, and they'll call me a recluse if I stay in. So, I'm going

Monday, February 18, 2008

If this keeps up I'm seeing a doctor

I ran a WebMD Symptom Checker (not a good idea in hindsight as I'm a hypochondriac). Anyway, after plugging in my symptoms it returned some possible results (I realize it's just an online program and if it keeps up I should consult a real doctor, and I will), they were: Influenza, depression, viral syndrome, hyperthyroidism, generalized anxiety disorder, heart rhythm disorder, heat exhaustion, tuberculosis, anemia, acute stress reaction, sleep deprivation, chronic fatigue, thalassemia (this one scares the hell out of me), hypopituitarism, mono (that's flattering), diabetes (eek), and hypotension.

Now depression I know I have, and I understand it can cause you to be really screwed up. With my luck I'll live until 100 and be depressed the whole time. Nothing, nothing seems to fall for me.

Sunday, February 17, 2008

Bah

I tested my body fat today, I'm 5.00% body fat, I have 7.54 pounds (3.4 kg) of fat, and my lean body weight is 143.44 pounds (65), so with the body fat I'm 151 (68), shockingly low when you consider I'm 6-foot-7 (203 cm). No idea why I added the metric, not like I get any readers. Of course, I am ectomorphic so I shouldn't be too disappointed by my results, but I want to weigh more. I started a food journal (use firefox as I'm unsure about linking commercial sites), but I think that's more for people who want to lose weight. It sounds weird, but it's hard to gain weight in America since everything is so (understandably) geared toward weight loss.

I'm still kind of sick, my body temperature has been around 97°F (36°C) today, I've been carrying a blanket with me :(. Hopefully this is all one big bug and I won't need to see a doctor, the doctor kind of scares me, I'm a huge wuss.

Jane couldn't get online today, which sucks, I missed the hell out of her. She hates it when I get personal on here, I can't really say I blame her, it is odd. I'm just so taken by her, taken by her kindness, her talent, her beauty...what a wonderful woman she is. I can't even think about her without looking to the air and sighing. Heh, awkward. I'm sorry Jane, sometimes I just overflow and can't help it, but you know how awesome I think you are.

Saturday, February 16, 2008

My e-married name

Usual western naming convention has the wife either take the husband's last name, or tack it onto her last name. But Korean naming convention uses no change at all (Jane is half Korean). But, an e-marriage isn't really conventional. So I took the end of Jane's username (jane_ds) and tacked it onto the end of mine (bobby3) making me Bobby3-_ds. Basically because Jane is the Queen of Queens and I'm just Princess B, so she wins. Haha, wow, I'm a dork, plus double-barreling sounds posh.

Yea, I'm really bored.

Friday, February 15, 2008

I'm tired

Probably because I used my energy recovering from being sick yesterday. I don't know what it was but that sucked hard. I'm glad it's over.

My grandmother decided to talk down to me today, I didn't really need that with all I've been going through lately (ok, the last 2 years). It took a lot to keep from yelling, I know I sound like a jerk for saying that, but she really didn't need to do it and it really upset me.

Jane wrote about me in her blog, :) I know I treat every little thing she does like it's the moon landing all over again, but it's only because she deserves it. Janey, you're the most wonderful woman I know, seeing your smile fills me with a happiness I had forgotten I could achive...you're talented, almost too beautiful to be human, and most importantly you have a heart of gold. I know all your dreams will one day come true because no one deserves them to more than you. Thank you, you're the best.

Thursday, February 14, 2008

I'm sick

It finally got to me. :(

I've had sniffles all week but I've been sucking it back in instead of blowing it out. I only have myself to blame really. My stomach feels a lot better than it did when I woke up this morning, I felt like I had been filled with glass shards. I've actually been limping around because of it. Lots of people I know have been sick this week, come to think of it lots of people I know have been sick a lot this winter. I can help the people I know, which makes me feel good, but all I can do with Jane is tell her to go to the doctor, and go to bed over and over again and I probably end up sounding like a jerk, which sucks. At least she's a bit more lively now, she was terrible Saturday through Monday, so one of us will have a good Valentine's Day. Though to be honest mine was complete when she smiled because of something I sent her, her smile is nothing short of astonishing. But she understands how I feel about her, I have no need to express it on here so often, I'm just so proud of her is all. Haha, sorry Janey :)

I haven't updated my blog enough. I do write in my diary almost everyday, sometimes twice a day. I usually write more personal stuff in there, stuff that probably shouldn't be aired publicly that I need to get out of my heart. I usually fill the front and back of one sheet of notebook paper, and the front of another everyday. Which is strange when you consider how drab and uneventful my life is. I think my depression has caused me to develop anorexia (not to be confused with anorexia nervosa, something the media constantly does). Basically anorexia is an involuntary decreased appetite, people who have it don't seem to get hungry, like I don't. I am reminding myself to eat though, but if worst comes to worst I'll see a doctor about it.

Sunday, February 10, 2008

More pictures of crap around Charlotte, and stuff about other stuff

I took more pictures of (quasi) abandoned stuff today. I don't really understand my attraction to abandonment. Maybe because I myself feel somewhat abandoned even though people do care about me, which makes it a really odd way to feel. That stadium in Winterfield is in really bad shape, I actually had no idea it existed until today. Surely it doesn't belong to the neighboring elementary school? Eastland Mall really needs no introduction, it should be torn down and redeveloped. I remember when you couldn't find a parking spot there on a friday night or weekend, now it's more empty asphalt than mall.

Everyone seems to be getting sick, which means when midweek or the weekend rolls around I'll be sick. I'm always the last one to be sick. My precious Janey (ok, she's not MINE, only in my wildest dreams, I just have to settle for being the e-Mr. Jane) is still sick. Hopefully she'll be better soon, I hate it when she's sick because she doesn't deserve it and I can't do anything about it, though I wish I could tend to her, so it makes me feel as if my hands are bound. I actually admire how tough she is, I get floored by the littlest stuff yet she keeps going through some things that would hospitalize my weak self. Jane, I bow to thee.

Saturday, February 9, 2008

McDonald's Iced Coffee isn't good

A lot of people say it's good, but I didn't really like it. I'll be the first to admit, I don't have the most educated palette in the world, but I do know when something isn't very good, and that wasn't very good.

I went to western Mecklenburg, and then to Gaston County today. It's still somewhat undeveloped landscape really does stand in stark contrast to South Charlotte's recent boom and East Charlotte's urban decay. I'm sure that'll change soon, for better or worse I'm not sure. It is good to have some open land.

Jane is sick though, and that makes me sad. If you couldn't tell, that gorgeous, incredible, talented woman is rather important to me, so I hope she gets better. I made her a card, it wasn't much but hopefully it makes her crack a smile.

Friday, February 8, 2008

I'm bored

I'm bored and I don't want to fill up the car to go somewhere. I calculated that in 2000 it would have cost $16.92 to fill the tank, and today it costs $55.62, more than 3 times higher. Obscene. I know, in Europe it costs more but at least that money goes to infrastructure improvment, Charlotte has roads that feel like you're driving on a bombing range (yes, Monroe Road between Rama Road and East Meck High School, I mean you).

I was bored last night too and decided to watch a movie, I watched Ocean's Eleven at Jane's suggestion and really enjoyed it. I also confused her by posting about it on twitter and due to a bug in the system you don't see all your friend's twitter messages so she just thought I was randomly complimenting her again, which, admittedly, I'm prone to doing.

I'll find something to do I guess, there's only so many abandoned buildings in Charlotte I can photograph. (Sidenote: I'm too tall to get in that parking deck without ducking really far.)

Wednesday, February 6, 2008

Charlotte's decaying Eastside

Eastland is Charlotte's forgotten neighborhood. Though it's near neighbors Plaza-Midwood and Elizabeth enjoy skyrocketing property values and seemingly unending investment, Eastland is left to rot. Nowhere is this more painfully evident than the Amity Gardens - Coliseum Center shopping complex on Independence Boulevard (I realize it's officially in Sheffield Park). I read a story in yesterday's newspaper about how Eastside residents, of which I am one, are beginning to lose patience with the city's empty promises of redevelopment for the area. I took some pictures of the shopping center this afternoon, admittedly they aren't very good but they get the point across. I'm barely old enough to remember when the shopping center still had life, when you could have a sandwich at the lunch counter in the Eckard's and then go to K-Mart. That ended when K-Mart declared bankruptcy, dealing a crippling blow to the area.

There was talk of a transit center, similar to the one uptown, and later talk of a new shopping center anchored by a Wal-Mart supercenter, none of which have come to anything. In part because the land is toxic, and in part because Harbor Fright Tools won't sell it's lease to the city. I'd personally run a light rail line over what is now the sparingly used HOV lane. Though that may be infeasible.

Whatever the outcome, something needs to happen because it's becoming a magnet for crime.

Tuesday, February 5, 2008

Sapporo Snow Festival, Lent

I want to go to the Sapporo Snow Festival in Japan. It looks really cool, those snow sculptures are incredible works of art. Before reading about that all I knew about Sapporo was that it was really cold and has a truly incredible stadium. I feel a bit ignorant not knowing more about it since I like to think of myself as well versed in cultural geography. Turns out Sapporo is actually three times bigger than my fair city. Hmm, maybe I'll get to go one year.

Lent starts tomorrow, I've decided I'm going to give up junk food. Eating all this processed garbage can't be good for my mood so who knows? Maybe it'll make me happier. That'd be awesome.

Yea, can't think of anything else to write.

Monday, February 4, 2008

Confused and depressed

I don't know what I'm going through, but I really don't like it. I have depression and it's causing me to get sick because I don't know how I can stop it. I often sit and think about what I should do with myself but I can never figure out anything I'm good at and I usually just end up feeling worse because of that. I feel like the only thing I'm good at is being a complement to another person's life, but as much as I search I can never find that person. It's like I'm a bow without an arrow, or fuel without a rocket. So much of my life has been spent rebuilding myself after falling apart from crashing back into earth, I just wonder how many more times I can do that. What makes it especially hard is that I don't want to risk dragging anyone down with me so I don't seek relationships, and when I do I approach them cautiously and attempt to build a pedestal for the object of my affection rather than hold them up in my hands so that when I fall they remain unaffected. Hurting people I love is my greatest fear. It's an unhealthy, self-sacrificial way of approaching life and I need to change it but I don't know how. I have no way to channel my energy, I have no one I belong to though I want nothing more. All I want, and all I require is a spiritual connection with someone. But because of today's society that mode of thinking is viewed as "weird" and "psychotic". That's the problem with idealism, I want to make everything perfect for the other person and most of the time end up building a castle when a barn would have sufficed.

Since I haven't much in the way of intelligence I rely on my imagination to solve problems and often end up creating fantasy solutions to those problems rather than solving them. While it does grant me a temporary exile from my problems it simply allows my problems to run unrestrained and make my life worse. I'd like to be able to change that but I'm not brave enough which is why I use my fantasies as a crutch.

I don't want to resort to medicine because I stopped breathing last time I took a prescription drug (as a 12-year-old I was a trialist for Imitrix), and psychological treatment is very expensive. I'm not one to emote publicly, though recently it's becoming harder and harder for me to hide what I'm feeling inside since it's taking a toll on me physically. It's hard for me to verbally communicate what I'm going though as well since I've always been more of a listener and a thinker than a speaker.

The people around me have been good to me, probably better than I deserve and are probably the only reason I'm still here. I would never kill myself, thankfully the good part of living through my heart is that it's greedy and wants to live. But I may have ended up in a psychiatric ward due to a breakdown had they not been so gentle with me.

There's a light somewhere, and somewhere there's someone and something for me. I just have to find it and that may take awhile.

Saturday, February 2, 2008

I forgot about the Super Bowl

This is actually the first year I've done so, maybe because I don't have cable anymore (colossal waste of money these days) and don't have ESPN bombarding me with "OH EM GEE IT'S ALMOST HERE [frenzy]!!!". Basically I guess it's much more a social event than a sporting event (though don't get me wrong, I appreciate the athletic endeavor of the game itself). I'm teetotal (My reasons for being teetotal are personal.) and more or less an extreme introvert so I have no interest in alcohol or partying. I have nothing against people drinking (Until someone makes a fool of themselves, like a cousin of mine does and we always have to get him out of trouble. To me a drunk person isn't funny, it's sad.) or people going to parties, I just don't like them forced upon me. Also being a Southerner I have no real interest in either team. I'll watch the game but I probably won't do anything else.

Yes, it does get quite lonely in my ivory tower. It actually seems like more of a burning tree house sometimes.

On a less self-absorbed note I hope Jane gets better. I'm sad when she's not well.

Friday, February 1, 2008

Apperently we're miserable people

Well, according to Forbes anyway. Pat McCrory thinks Forbes needs drug testing, it's the second time I've ever agreed with McCrory. Forbes cites Charlotte as the most violent city on their list, what they don't tell you is that they used old statistics when a newer batch were readily available. But of course finding the newer statistics would have required actual research, something which Forbes isn't very good at. Forbes also skews numbers by using percentages to compare numbers from a much smaller Charlotte of 1990 (pop. 395,934) to a much larger Charlotte of 2008 (pop. ~700,000). Despite them printing this tripe Charlotte continues to post gains in employment year after year despite rising gas prices and a struggling national economy poisoned by their precious right-wing economic policies. It's not like those high taxes are being spent on new police to keep down that seemingly phantom crime rate. Oh wait, they are.

Among other factors to determine misery levels for a town they couldn't point out on a giant print map was weather. Charlotte is no stranger to 60 degree days in winter. That's probably why the Forbes article neglected to mention weather in Charlotte's paragraph.

The fact that Charlotte was one of three (along with Seattle and Portland) American cities to experience growth during the housing crash didn't factor into the "research" either.

I agree with Castro, they need a bucket on their heads.