Monday, February 4, 2008

Confused and depressed

I don't know what I'm going through, but I really don't like it. I have depression and it's causing me to get sick because I don't know how I can stop it. I often sit and think about what I should do with myself but I can never figure out anything I'm good at and I usually just end up feeling worse because of that. I feel like the only thing I'm good at is being a complement to another person's life, but as much as I search I can never find that person. It's like I'm a bow without an arrow, or fuel without a rocket. So much of my life has been spent rebuilding myself after falling apart from crashing back into earth, I just wonder how many more times I can do that. What makes it especially hard is that I don't want to risk dragging anyone down with me so I don't seek relationships, and when I do I approach them cautiously and attempt to build a pedestal for the object of my affection rather than hold them up in my hands so that when I fall they remain unaffected. Hurting people I love is my greatest fear. It's an unhealthy, self-sacrificial way of approaching life and I need to change it but I don't know how. I have no way to channel my energy, I have no one I belong to though I want nothing more. All I want, and all I require is a spiritual connection with someone. But because of today's society that mode of thinking is viewed as "weird" and "psychotic". That's the problem with idealism, I want to make everything perfect for the other person and most of the time end up building a castle when a barn would have sufficed.

Since I haven't much in the way of intelligence I rely on my imagination to solve problems and often end up creating fantasy solutions to those problems rather than solving them. While it does grant me a temporary exile from my problems it simply allows my problems to run unrestrained and make my life worse. I'd like to be able to change that but I'm not brave enough which is why I use my fantasies as a crutch.

I don't want to resort to medicine because I stopped breathing last time I took a prescription drug (as a 12-year-old I was a trialist for Imitrix), and psychological treatment is very expensive. I'm not one to emote publicly, though recently it's becoming harder and harder for me to hide what I'm feeling inside since it's taking a toll on me physically. It's hard for me to verbally communicate what I'm going though as well since I've always been more of a listener and a thinker than a speaker.

The people around me have been good to me, probably better than I deserve and are probably the only reason I'm still here. I would never kill myself, thankfully the good part of living through my heart is that it's greedy and wants to live. But I may have ended up in a psychiatric ward due to a breakdown had they not been so gentle with me.

There's a light somewhere, and somewhere there's someone and something for me. I just have to find it and that may take awhile.

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