Tuesday, June 23, 2009

Perez Hilton, Will.I.Am, and the Bonobo

As you surely know by now, professional loud mouth Perez Hilton was punched by a member of Will.I.Am's entourage in Toronto after the MuchMusic video awards, or something. Apperently Will.I.Am's manager hit him.

This has, somehow, become major news in the last day, and it's a shame that it has. It's not news, it just isn't. Neither of these people are important, one is famous for running his mouth, and the other is famous for making trendy music that no one will remember in ten years time, maybe not even him. The way people are acting you'd think Bob Dylan laid out Tom Wolfe with a hurricane kick. Honestly.

Perez probably deserved to be hit, I'm not disputing that, but I will openly question the masculinity of those involved. Do you really need multiple people around to beat up an out-of-shape gay man? Really? I mean, listen to the guy, he's about as tough as a goomba, the proper ones. And really, Perez, calling him a "faggot"? Nice one, hypocrite.

The Khalid Sheikh Mohammed joke was brilliant though, shame most ardent fans of either party will have no earthly idea who that is.

The fact that this is major news during a revolution in one of the world's most important nations, during the worst financial crisis in global history, and the day after a deadly commuter rail crash in our nation's capital has me questioning mankind's fitness for it's position atop the animal kingdom.

You may ask, who will take our place then? (or maybe, who will take r place den?) Dolphins? No, they're overrated. But I love them anyway. Baboons? Possibly. Elephants? That's a good shout, but I can't see it. The most likely answer is the Bonobo. Bonobos do have facial expressions and emotional awareness, which puts them ahead of Mike Jefferies. Kanzi, a 26-year-old male from Des Moines, understands some 3,000 spoken English words, which is more than most celebrity worshipers. Underneath the hairstyles and fancy clothes, we're still apes (I know I am), and Perez Hilton and Will.I.Am are the ones throwing their own crap for attention.

It'll take them awhile, no doubt as they're still progressing, but we should be very aware that we have someone gunning for our spot now, and our strength is not in our depth.

Thanks a million, Perez.

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