Thursday, July 30, 2009

How a Green would fix your mess

Yes, your mess. We didn't make it, you never elect us, you never even pay attention to us. You crapped on the floor, and now you're bickering about the best way to fix it. Not only are you fighting each other, you're fighting yourselves! Normal Democrats are mad at "Blue Dog" Democrats, Ohio Republicans are mad at Southern Republicans. You aren't getting anything done, the crap is still on the rug and if you don't clean it up soon you're going to need a Rug Doctor, and we're fresh out of cash to afford one because they're really expensive.

But, listen, I can fix it! I have ideas, big ones!

First thing I'd do is the most obvious one of all, legalize marijuana. It's shocking that it's illegal in the first place, let alone in 2009. The legalization and subsequent taxation of marijuana would be a cash cow for the cash strapped government. I could go into the medical benefits that marijuana has, but I've already done that. They're well stated, regardless of what the drug czar says, I have it on good authority that he's an idiot. The legalization of marijuana would also mean that restrictions on it's sister plant, hemp, would be lifted. Hemp can make all sorts of cool things, you can even eat hemp seeds and they're really good for you. Hemp can also be converted to ethanol which serves two goods: first is that it frees up corn to become exclusively a food source once again, and second is that it's rapid growth rate would help loosen imported oil's death grip on our economy. Of course, the oil and pharmaceutical industries would be none-too-pleased with this which is why we would have to outlaw corporate lobbying.

But that's not all! Call now and we'll outfit every municipal, county, state and federal building with green power systems and save tax payers a bundle by dramatically cutting the power bills for those buildings! Yes, that includes the sports venues that billionaires held cities and states over a barrel to build, those would get the same treatment and the associated sports owners wouldn't see a dime of revenue from it. Take this for instance, that's the Charlotte Bobcats Arena, a municipally constructed venue in the heart of Charlotte with a bare concrete roof. Do you not see the potential there? Next to the arena is the CATS bus hub, it would also be outfitted with them.

Recently Peter Gorman, he's the head of Charlotte-Mecklenburg Schools, a failed educational organization in Charlotte, fired a bunch of teachers and announced that he may have to cut middle school sports. If you put self-reliant energy systems in the schools you could save a ton of money.

Of course, making marijuana legal would free up a lot of room in the prison system which would give us the ability to shut some prisons down and save even more money.

What would we do with all this money? Well, we'd have universal healthcare and bridges that don't fall apart.

It'd be nice, but you won't listen to us.

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