How a Green would fix your mess

Yes, your mess. We didn't make it, you never elect us, you never even pay attention to us. You crapped on the floor, and now you're bickering about the best way to fix it. Not only are you fighting each other, you're fighting yourselves! Normal Democrats are mad at "Blue Dog" Democrats, Ohio Republicans are mad at Southern Republicans. You aren't getting anything done, the crap is still on the rug and if you don't clean it up soon you're going to need a Rug Doctor, and we're fresh out of cash to afford one because they're really expensive.

But, listen, I can fix it! I have ideas, big ones!

First thing I'd do is the most obvious one of all, legalize marijuana. It's shocking that it's illegal in the first place, let alone in 2009. The legalization and subsequent taxation of marijuana would be a cash cow for the cash strapped government. I could go into the medical benefits that marijuana has, but I've already done that. They're well stated, regardless of what the drug czar says, I have it on good authority that he's an idiot. The legalization of marijuana would also mean that restrictions on it's sister plant, hemp, would be lifted. Hemp can make all sorts of cool things, you can even eat hemp seeds and they're really good for you. Hemp can also be converted to ethanol which serves two goods: first is that it frees up corn to become exclusively a food source once again, and second is that it's rapid growth rate would help loosen imported oil's death grip on our economy. Of course, the oil and pharmaceutical industries would be none-too-pleased with this which is why we would have to outlaw corporate lobbying.

But that's not all! Call now and we'll outfit every municipal, county, state and federal building with green power systems and save tax payers a bundle by dramatically cutting the power bills for those buildings! Yes, that includes the sports venues that billionaires held cities and states over a barrel to build, those would get the same treatment and the associated sports owners wouldn't see a dime of revenue from it. Take this for instance, that's the Charlotte Bobcats Arena, a municipally constructed venue in the heart of Charlotte with a bare concrete roof. Do you not see the potential there? Next to the arena is the CATS bus hub, it would also be outfitted with them.

Recently Peter Gorman, he's the head of Charlotte-Mecklenburg Schools, a failed educational organization in Charlotte, fired a bunch of teachers and announced that he may have to cut middle school sports. If you put self-reliant energy systems in the schools you could save a ton of money.

Of course, making marijuana legal would free up a lot of room in the prison system which would give us the ability to shut some prisons down and save even more money.

What would we do with all this money? Well, we'd have universal healthcare and bridges that don't fall apart.

It'd be nice, but you won't listen to us.

It's just like watching Newcastle

Of course, I'm referring to the Republican Party of the United States and it's hilarious infighting. Of course, if they keep it up, they could meet a similar fate to the Toon!

Recently Barack Obama's poll numbers have taken a hit and while some Republicans have been quick to point this out, the party itself has been unable to capitalize on them, at all. In fact, their numbers managed to take a hit as well. The leadership of the party would like for the attention to be on the way the Republicans are handling the President's healthcare bill, but instead the spotlight has been shifted to the (loud) extremist elements of the party who claim that Obama is an illegal immigrant. Most mainstream Republicans reject (all of them voted to support some totally unnecessary resolution in Congress that said Obama was born in Hawaiʻi) this nonsense but that doesn't stop the "birthers" from screaming, literally.

Yes, that really happened. That's a real person going crazy at a town hall meeting held by Congressman Mike Castle (R-De.), a normal human being. Yes, I know that was last week, but it doesn't change anything.

It's not something I really want to go into, I find it that stupid, but I have to say a few things. G. Gordon Liddy, possibly the most famous "birther", likes to say "there's no hospital listed". My birth certificate doesn't list a hospital either. I'm pretty sure I'm American, in fact, I carry Catawba blood in my veins. Nonetheless, maybe I should start carrying my birth certificate (which actually reads "Certificate of Birth", maybe I'm fake too) around in a ziplock bag with a tiny American flag.

Naw.

Now Senator George Voinovich (R-Oh.) says "the Southerners" are ruining the Republican Party by getting on TV and acting like, well, morons. Southern Republicans (like Louisiana's David Vitter, who has ties to the D.C. madam) have lashed out at Voinovich, calling him "wishy-washy". Vitter is up for re-election in 2010, one of his opponents is Stormy Daniels, a pornstar Independent who was just arrested on charges of domestic violence. Seriously. The Democrats could probably run Teddy Ruxpin in a Che shirt and win 65% of the vote in that race.

This is where the Libertarian Party should be paying attention and running homegrown candidates, not defected Republicans and Democrats. They actually have a chance to take a real slice of the conservative base over the next two years if they get on the radio and television making sense instead of making wild accusations about where the President was born. Libertarians can get away with sex scandals too.

So that's where Mark Sanford was, but why are we surprised?

South Carolina Governor Mark Sanford cheated on his wife. Hardcore. He didn't cheat on her in South Carolina, he didn't even pop up to North Carolina for a bit of afternoon delight, no, Mark left the freaking continent.

Sanford, who looks like what would happen if you spliced the DNA of Bert with that of a carrot, went AWOL last week but everyone's suspicions were raised when his wife said she "didn't know where he was" but wasn't the least bit worried. Republicans rushed to defend one of their rising stars - Sanford has been listed as a potential Presidential candidate in 2012 - but even they had to know something was amiss. Some spoke of how Sanford was supposedly out hiking, and "being a man, something lubrals (liberals) wouldn't understand". Well, if being a man means leaving the your wife and four children behind while you desecrate your marriage thousands of miles away, I don't know if that's what I want to be.

Now their defense is that Sanford "made a mistake" and that it's "no worse than what Clinton or Edwards did" (ah, the old Slick Willy chestnut), but they're wrong. They're very wrong. The actions of Bill Clinton and John Edwards were nothing short of despicable, no one is doubting that, but Clinton and Edwards never ran on a platform of family values, Christian morals, and never pushed sexual minorities to the fringes of society with their rhetoric. Sanford has made no secret of his distaste for homosexuals, bisexuals, or even sexually active heterosexuals who may not be married. He is going to get a lot of stick for this incident, and he deserves every bit of it. There is no room to defend this hypocritical lying sack of crap, there isn't.

Soon we will hear them climb atop their towers and cry foul of the "liberal media", the same liberal media that includes The State newspaper, Columbia's daily, which received the erotic emails exchanged between Sanford and his lover as early as last December and elected to withhold them, in essence, protecting a conservative official from public scorn. All the outlets are blocked off, Sanford is impossible to defend. You can't blame this one on Obama, who, I may add, is a dedicated husband and father. He's also a Christian. He is what Sanford claimed to be.

Furthermore Sanford was a harsh critic of Bill Clinton and voted for the President's impeachment following his affair in the 1990s. Sanford actually resorted to name calling, though he was never as bad as Lindsay Graham. Sanford may not have lied under court oath, but he did lie. He lied under religious oath to his wife (you know, something about a Preacher, an alter, a Church, lots of people watching), he lied to his family, he lied to his staff, and he lied to South Carolina. By his own standards, he is unfit for leadership.

No, this isn't a good time to jump on Mark Sanford, that happened a long time ago.

One person in the Observer editorial forum asked if we could send NC Gov. Bev Perdue for a hike and transfer Sanford here, you still want that? Bev might be stupid, but she has nothing on Sanford.

I'm not a Democrat, in fact I'm not very fond of them, but thanks to people like Mark Sanford, John Ensign, Larry Craig, and Mark Foley (all supposedly Christian men who ran on a platform of morals only to prove themselves hypocrites) this country is going to become a one party state with the Democrats in charge.

Well, at least the Democrats try. The SC Libertarian party is probably loving this, and they have every right to be. Every right to be.

Fuck the banks, and screw the Democrats and Republicans

You know. People bitch when Greens and Libertarians try to "steal" votes from Democrats and Republicans. It's really starting to piss me off.

We aren't trying to steal your votes, we're trying to save your God damn life.

You see this shit we're in today? You did that, not us. Yet you still bitch about us hanging around. "How dare those lunatics try to get their voice out there? They'll fuck everything up."

Too late, you already did that.

The Democratic President, Bill Clinton, pushed major banks to make sub-prime loans. The Republicans are now using this as a talking point against Democrats without telling you that during the Clinton administration they, the GOP, controlled both houses of Congress (104th, 105th, and 106th Congresses). There's just as much blood on their hands as the Democrats.

Yesterday the Dow surged up 900 points, a major boost and everyone started jacking off. As of this posting it's down 500 points, or 5.46%. This on top of news that the FTSE, Britain's major index, was off a staggering 7% as European fears of a recession mount.

That 900 point gain has been reduced to nothing more than a stop gap, like putting a piece of Juicy Fruit on a crack in a dam.

Now we, the middle and working class tax-payers, the segment of society already financially stretched thinner than myself doing yoga, are on the hook for >$700bln. That's over $23,245 per American. That's what you'll be paying and I'll be paying. You'll be paying that while some reckless, incompetent jackass of a CEO vacations in Hawai'i while you hit up Lake Norman because you can't afford the trip down to South Carolina this year.

Meanwhile, while AIG throws lavish parties on your dime with wine that costs more than that car you're struggling to keep, there's a single mother fighting a war in Iraq in the name of the American elite who want more money from that oil that sits under Baghdad. She prays everyday that she doesn't get shot so one day she can kiss her baby again.

Somewhere in North Carolina a man is going crazy because the banks he just helped bail out adjusted his mortgage and now he can't pay it.

And right now, I'm praying I don't start pissing out blood again, because I can't get insurance.

Seven miles to the west of me is Charlotte's medical district. A baby was just born there. Maybe someone should go over there and tell her what she's worth, tell her she's precious and priceless, and then tell her that you guys think she's worth about as much as a Honda Accord with all the trimmings.

You haven't killed America yet, it's fire still burns. But only because us lunatics protected that tiny ember, and while you're out spending our tax money, we'll still be protecting it, and stoking it. Hoping that one day it'll burn hot enough, and high enough to force you out.