Perspective Check

Seriously.

I have depression and I bitch about it, a lot. Both because it sucks and the fact that my current situation only serves to exacerbate it most of the time. Don't worry, this isn't another blog about that. Though for whatever reason those posts play well in Beverly Hills according to my analytics account.

But, I'm alive. I have ground under my feet and clean water to drink. It's not always easy, but if I were to put my head down I could probably free myself from the chains that have been put on me by various things. I've learned this last week that not everyone has that, some people don't have anything, like the people who have had their lives ruined by the destruction in Haiti.

We can all sit around and say "well, this is why it happened" and blame various politicians and other things. Some people Someone actually said that it happened because Haiti had a contract with the Devil, even though that person himself signed a multi-year deal with AC Hell Argyle back in the 1970s and is somewhat of a folk hero down at the Riverside. But enough about him. Talking about stuff like that is anti-productive, it solves absolutely nothing except the feeding of one's own ego by tricking yourself into thinking you'd have done a better job with no natural resources at your disposal. That's why Haiti is so poor, you know, because it has no resources, making it the poorest nation in the Western Hemisphere -- by some way.

What can we do then? Well, you can donate, and I know that most people have and that some people can't. The economy is tight all over the world, trust me, I know first hand. If you have a birthday or anniversary coming up and want to help, have people do donations in your name to the charity of your choosing rather than buy you gifts. Material things are nice, but they're only things. People (and animals) are all unique and can't be replaced, a simple blanket or bottle of drinkable water could save a life, or a pair of lives, and people are being found alive everyday. The impact of that simply cannot be spoken for. Here's a list of organizations accepting donations in my local paper. All of those are trusted organizations that won't steal your money. Groups not on that list worth checking out are UNICEF and Samaritan's Purse.

Not fun...

Saw someone I was hoping I'd never see again today. My ex, the one who psychologically tortured me and when it was over I was left depressed and hopeless.

I won't really get in to all she did other than if psychological assault were a crime she'd be jailed for life. From yelling at me, randomly hitting me and constantly reminding me that I was a failure that would never do any better than her so I was better off just sucking it up and accepting it. Thankfully a friend of mine noticed what she was doing and pulled me out of it. I used to cry myself to sleep until I met and started dreaming of someone. Heh, pretty obvious who that is. *Bobby blushes* Even if I never have a chance with her, the simple idea of her has been enough to pull me out of the hell I was in. At least I feel human again.

I was playing with a soccer ball in my backyard today and my hip flared up again, that's just lovely. I hope it's just a knock and nothing is seriously wrong with it because I'm uninsurable and that would suck pretty hard.

Wow, looking for a job sucks

I'm too idealistic to find a job. I'm too idealistic to find anything for that matter. My morals always get in the way. I saw an ad for a production assistant for a local morning show and didn't even bother applying because I was sure I'd be turned down, and thinking that made me depressed again. I've been told by people (ok, a person) I care deeply about that I need to stop beating myself up, and I try...I swear I try but I always end up thinking about how useless I am again. I'm sorry if I constantly let you down by doing this to myself, I really am, you know upsetting you is the last thing I'd ever want to do.

I'm starting to think I'll never find anything. Not only am I strange but I get a lot of stares because of heightism everytime I apply for a job, not only that but I'm underweight and for some reason being skinny (whether or not you want to be) has become a crime. Yay for lesser known forms of discrimination! The heightism one (short people get it too) is actually as bad as racism since like your race, you didn't choose your height.

If this keeps up I'm seeing a doctor

I ran a WebMD Symptom Checker (not a good idea in hindsight as I'm a hypochondriac). Anyway, after plugging in my symptoms it returned some possible results (I realize it's just an online program and if it keeps up I should consult a real doctor, and I will), they were: Influenza, depression, viral syndrome, hyperthyroidism, generalized anxiety disorder, heart rhythm disorder, heat exhaustion, tuberculosis, anemia, acute stress reaction, sleep deprivation, chronic fatigue, thalassemia (this one scares the hell out of me), hypopituitarism, mono (that's flattering), diabetes (eek), and hypotension.

Now depression I know I have, and I understand it can cause you to be really screwed up. With my luck I'll live until 100 and be depressed the whole time. Nothing, nothing seems to fall for me.

I'm tired

Probably because I used my energy recovering from being sick yesterday. I don't know what it was but that sucked hard. I'm glad it's over.

My grandmother decided to talk down to me today, I didn't really need that with all I've been going through lately (ok, the last 2 years). It took a lot to keep from yelling, I know I sound like a jerk for saying that, but she really didn't need to do it and it really upset me.

Jane wrote about me in her blog, :) I know I treat every little thing she does like it's the moon landing all over again, but it's only because she deserves it. Janey, you're the most wonderful woman I know, seeing your smile fills me with a happiness I had forgotten I could achive...you're talented, almost too beautiful to be human, and most importantly you have a heart of gold. I know all your dreams will one day come true because no one deserves them to more than you. Thank you, you're the best.

I'm sick

It finally got to me. :(

I've had sniffles all week but I've been sucking it back in instead of blowing it out. I only have myself to blame really. My stomach feels a lot better than it did when I woke up this morning, I felt like I had been filled with glass shards. I've actually been limping around because of it. Lots of people I know have been sick this week, come to think of it lots of people I know have been sick a lot this winter. I can help the people I know, which makes me feel good, but all I can do with Jane is tell her to go to the doctor, and go to bed over and over again and I probably end up sounding like a jerk, which sucks. At least she's a bit more lively now, she was terrible Saturday through Monday, so one of us will have a good Valentine's Day. Though to be honest mine was complete when she smiled because of something I sent her, her smile is nothing short of astonishing. But she understands how I feel about her, I have no need to express it on here so often, I'm just so proud of her is all. Haha, sorry Janey :)

I haven't updated my blog enough. I do write in my diary almost everyday, sometimes twice a day. I usually write more personal stuff in there, stuff that probably shouldn't be aired publicly that I need to get out of my heart. I usually fill the front and back of one sheet of notebook paper, and the front of another everyday. Which is strange when you consider how drab and uneventful my life is. I think my depression has caused me to develop anorexia (not to be confused with anorexia nervosa, something the media constantly does). Basically anorexia is an involuntary decreased appetite, people who have it don't seem to get hungry, like I don't. I am reminding myself to eat though, but if worst comes to worst I'll see a doctor about it.

Confused and depressed

I don't know what I'm going through, but I really don't like it. I have depression and it's causing me to get sick because I don't know how I can stop it. I often sit and think about what I should do with myself but I can never figure out anything I'm good at and I usually just end up feeling worse because of that. I feel like the only thing I'm good at is being a complement to another person's life, but as much as I search I can never find that person. It's like I'm a bow without an arrow, or fuel without a rocket. So much of my life has been spent rebuilding myself after falling apart from crashing back into earth, I just wonder how many more times I can do that. What makes it especially hard is that I don't want to risk dragging anyone down with me so I don't seek relationships, and when I do I approach them cautiously and attempt to build a pedestal for the object of my affection rather than hold them up in my hands so that when I fall they remain unaffected. Hurting people I love is my greatest fear. It's an unhealthy, self-sacrificial way of approaching life and I need to change it but I don't know how. I have no way to channel my energy, I have no one I belong to though I want nothing more. All I want, and all I require is a spiritual connection with someone. But because of today's society that mode of thinking is viewed as "weird" and "psychotic". That's the problem with idealism, I want to make everything perfect for the other person and most of the time end up building a castle when a barn would have sufficed.

Since I haven't much in the way of intelligence I rely on my imagination to solve problems and often end up creating fantasy solutions to those problems rather than solving them. While it does grant me a temporary exile from my problems it simply allows my problems to run unrestrained and make my life worse. I'd like to be able to change that but I'm not brave enough which is why I use my fantasies as a crutch.

I don't want to resort to medicine because I stopped breathing last time I took a prescription drug (as a 12-year-old I was a trialist for Imitrix), and psychological treatment is very expensive. I'm not one to emote publicly, though recently it's becoming harder and harder for me to hide what I'm feeling inside since it's taking a toll on me physically. It's hard for me to verbally communicate what I'm going though as well since I've always been more of a listener and a thinker than a speaker.

The people around me have been good to me, probably better than I deserve and are probably the only reason I'm still here. I would never kill myself, thankfully the good part of living through my heart is that it's greedy and wants to live. But I may have ended up in a psychiatric ward due to a breakdown had they not been so gentle with me.

There's a light somewhere, and somewhere there's someone and something for me. I just have to find it and that may take awhile.

Depression is not a fun place...

I'm sorry to anyone mentioned in this post who may be bothered by their inclusion, you all know I would never intentionally cause you any sort of discomfort...

I have clinical depression yet I can't tell anyone because I have trouble conveying my thoughts into physical words. I'm the type of person who could write a book but I use body gestures to express my thoughts to avoid speaking to people. Even simple things such as nodding my head instead of saying a simple "yes, please". Because of this people see me as cold and rude, things I never wanted to be seen as. I've been called an "emo" by people close to me, which hurts, even though it's not true because I never chose to be this way, certain things happened to me which made me this way. I don't enjoy anything anymore, I rarely smile and laugh even less. I get headaches, backaches and the weight seems to be melting off of my already willowy 6 foot 7 inch frame.

I'm teetotal so I won't look to alcohol to solve my problems. Being teetotal may be the only thing keeping me somewhat sane as it gives me something to live up to. I guess I view personal issues as a yard weed and alcohol as dirt. You can keep covering the weed with dirt but you aren't getting rid of it, you're only feeding it's root system and making it bigger, what happens when the day comes that your body can't haul enough dirt to cover it? Having had a mini breakdown I don't know if I could survive hitting rock bottom so I'd rather not test my luck. Heh, I never claimed to be a philosopher.

I need somewhere to point myself, somewhere to focus my energy into something positive. I recently freed myself (with the help of two amazing people) from a fantasy I was living in. Upon cutting the binds of that fantasy I felt overcome by a strange since of freedom, yet I feel lost. I want one of the people to know that you didn't hurt me, you've never caused me any harm, your friendship is a blessing to me and if you're feeling down over this don't. You're exceptional and I never, ever want you to forget that.

I hear flax seed can help you gain weight and it helps with depression. I'll talk to a doctor first though.

Yea...I feel a little better now.